Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I think it's time I tell a story

There are a lot of things that people don't know about me. I feel like I should say something about what I'm like now, and what I was like before. I'm not trying to be anything or prove that I'm anything by saying this. You can call this just normal teenage angst but, this is simply my story.

We (as in girls) are obsessed with other girls, and boys. Both of these obsessions are so incredibly unhealthy. Some time in middle school, I was obsessed with attention, control, other people, and I guess myself. I searched out boys for attention. I didn't eat to control myself. I saw how beautiful other girls were and saw that I really wasn't good enough. I realized how talented some people were and discovered that I had no talent. I never grew tired of the constant comparisons. It is so easy to scroll through a beautiful girl's facebook profile (or myspace back then). Back in like 2005, there were girls called "site models". They were very much like the girls of tumblr today- the beautiful ones without names, but their pictures are all over the internet. I used to wish I was like one of them. They were always tan, always beautiful, with brilliant smiles. Behind the computer, while comparing myself, I could only feel ugly. What other feeling would you get from that sort of mindset? I didn't wear contacts often back then, I still had some baby fat on my cheeks, and I definitely was in that awkward middle school stage where I wished I could just grow up. I had never worried about my body before this time; I had always thought I was skinny enough. Suddenly, my size 00 jeans were too large and my face was too ugly. I resorted to barely eating anything, and I was encouraged by a friend who had a similar mindset. I worked out everyday, two or three hours a day, right after school. My weight dwindled slowly, and I felt accomplished. My willpower had manipulated my body, perhaps my will could do anything. I became obsessed with my image- how I looked in terms of both personality and physicality. I would manipulate my personality to please the people I was with. I was the respectful, quiet student towards my teacher. The outgoing, sarcastic girl to the popular girls. The gossiper to my closer circle of friends. I grew confused by it all, until I had forgotten whatever I even knew about myself at the time, not like I know much about myself now (like anyone really does). I turned 11 and I thought I needed boys to tell me I was beautiful. I sought out their attention. It probably seemed normal, the first attempts at flirtation. But it was all to feed my desire to be, well, perfect. I wanted a perfect body, a perfect face, a perfect personality, and a perfect life. A boy telling me he wanted me, and I was beautiful fit right into that equation. My attempt at perfection backfired on me. I became quiet, and reserved. I grew into my own thoughts and stayed there, not letting anyone in. Negative feelings festered inside of me, and wouldn't leave. I found I couldn't make friends, and I couldn't relate to anyone. Practically anorexic, and probably the most unhappy girl I could ever imagine myself being, my eighth grade school year whizzed by. Sure, I had my fair share of unrealistic crushes, parties, rumors, and unrequited love like any other teenager but, I felt disconnected. People noticed a change, some people who I guess won't ever be named. Although I've said this to them already, thank you. You changed everything.

I am not perfect now. I will never be. I am not complete by myself yet, no person can complete me. I am not beautiful yet, I am not ugly. I do not have a perfect body yet, it works just fine. I am never going to be as smart, nice or funny as her yet, I'm pretty fine with that. I stop myself from comparing myself to others all the time. I do not use a scale anymore. I do not seek out compliments from anyone but myself. I look to give out love to others because everybody needs it. I spend time with myself more than with others because I still evaluate myself constantly. It is hard to let go of things like this. But, I can honestly say, I'm perfectly happy being just average.

1 comment:

chynagrl said...

this is absolutely beautiful. I'm so happy you've come full circle. You are a beautiful girl with a big heart and lots of love. Keep it going!

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